Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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