He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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