The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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