fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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