Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
