dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
