When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
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After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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