Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
