Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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