im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
