I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
