i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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