T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
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I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
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I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
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