I'm eating all of the evidence.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
