I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Randomize
