I looked at my own cervix.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
