lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
