someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
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am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
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I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.