Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
