Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
