No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
