I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Randomize
