Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
