oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
