I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
