tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
