Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
