I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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