I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
