My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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