I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
