Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
