what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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