I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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