My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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