did you get engaged???
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
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I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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