I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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