my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
sarcasm needs its own font
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
