Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
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Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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