K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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