does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
