He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
