I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I'm like, not good at living.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
