I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
