there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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