plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
