I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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