I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
