I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
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Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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