Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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