I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
