dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I had to cum in my sink.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
