If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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