ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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